i feel like a bad mother to my newborn
I feel terrible admitting this, but there was a point where I questioned why we even decided to have a baby. Not everyday is perfect, but that is life. I wasn’t happy or joyful. Thank you I was convinced I was going to ruin her. So, to cut it short, I guess “the early months” and I have a love-hate relationship. I also have my mom come over. Love this. I can’t wait to share this with my younger daughter who is pregnant with her first…, I wish I had this to read (almost) 2 years ago when my daughter was born, but man, it’s still helpful to know that what I was feeling – anxious, confused, scared, unfit, lost, overwhelmed, and overall majorly unsure of myself – has been felt by others. Car accidents that are often not fully recoverable and it is impossible to make repairs on the body that will make the car suitable to run again. Were the circumstances to blame for my mal-adjustment to my new role? But I don’t think I realized how much until later. This action cannot be undone. But I had to. Create an account or log in to participate. What to Expect has thousands of open discussions happening each day. Soon enough, your baby will be sitting up, then crawling, then walking. It comforted me. Instead, I found myself pining for my life before the baby. But I know that other moms have made it through and it will be ok either way. So yes … it wasn’t all roses and butterflies (is this the correct saying? Motherhood does get better as the kids grow, I think. You are still a good mom! , Wonderfully written letter! But I didn’t get help.. I hear you. Two kids later, I’ve been diagnosed with ppd twice now and medication has been such a relief to me. #2 was a breeze though, and #3 threw me for another loop. My recovery has been extremely slow, and its painful to see other new mamas on outings, having fun, wearing jeans… I know we’ll get there, but words that alleviate some of the guilt are treasured. Yes, I knew it would be hard but I didn’t bond with her right away and I felt HORRIBLE. It’ll get better. I am expecting my first (a girl) any day now and everyone keeps asking “Are you excited?” Well, yes, but scared, too! Wanna see ’em? wow you did all of this with that simple blog.. nice.. make me as your student.. Nobody can prepare you for how much you feel like you’re giving up. And waited nearly 5 years before I had my second because I thought I was a failure. So different! But when I’m pregnant or there is a newborn living in the house with us? I’m still really struggling with that and I appreciate you putting this out there. I think part of it is the fear of something being wrong. * Life is full of different seasons – babies grow & one day you won’t be changing nappies. This is very encouraging to me as I am due with my first child in May. I kept reading so, so much about people who the day they found out they were expecting “just fell in love”, “knew their whole lives would never be the same”, “fell on their knees crying”, or even “were overwhelmed with fear, worries, etc”. My life is always stressed.. Anxiety filled, and I get scared a lot. Oh sure. i need a few minutes here.” I saw the way everyone looked at me with that look of concern, so I can understand those that feel they can’t be honest. Its wonderful having children, but it sure does suck in the very beginning. Thank you so much for sharing this! And there is not much anyone can really do about it. It’s really, really true, they do grow up so fast (my 7-year-old should still fit in my arms, it seems), but I’m not so far away from your stage to look back and see nothing but unicorns and glitter. I Hate It. And he always has a serious and disgruntled face on! I went though so much….it scares me. It may not be PPD for us per se, but it’s emotional, mental, physical, and so. Takes Picture With Her Baby. This is great! . In fact, their birth and existence feels to me as if God took the peg of me and plugged me firmly into the hole designed just for me, as if everything He’d made me to be was destined for this purpose. I loved this. But with my son, I somewhat liked having a newborn (I didn’t love it. I was exhausted and needed help with everything. So it's really what will work for you to help you feel normal...well closer to normal. I literally had my third not 6 hours ago and needed this reminder. This is a sensitive topic for so many women, myself included. Don’t get me wrong…I liked our first little one, but my adjustment was way harder than I thought it would be. So true! for me. Plenty of women have been there. Sleep and self-care is too important! • Go easy on yourself. First, you are not a bad mom. Every baby and every parent is different. And she has 6 babies!! My sister hates babyhood, what she calls the “slug stage.” She enjoys her children much more when they’re older. All he had to do was have an orgasm. I guess while I was pregnant i was so focused on doing everything right to make sure she was born healthy I just did not even anticipate or prepare for what life would be like AFTER she was born! I would have done the same thing, and I would have added something about how she shouldn’t take herself out in public with a mouth as rude as that – & I don’t even have kids or PPD or any other reasonable excuse! I’ve learned that a well rested mommy is much better than an uber productive/prepared mommy. My first pregnancy went beautifully (it was one of the happiest times in my life) and I was just fine postpartum as well. I completely resented the fact that my life and my body were no longer my own. Learn more about. It's part of Tsh's popular newsletter called Books & Crannies, where she shares thoughts about the intersection of stories & travel, work & play, faith & questions, and more. I did NOT want another baby, I kept it quiet, told very few and wasnt looking forward to formula and diapers AGAIN! And exhaustion in the beginning plays a big part in getting you down to that crazy place. I wish I’d had read this when my daughter first arrived. I’m commenting regarding an email I’ve sent you but haven’t heard back about. I felt that way too, my girl is 2months, and I still feel like I don't have the hang of it. Perhaps if I had health complications, or if we struggled with fertility, maybe I wouldn’t have complained so much and have been more grateful of our gift. I thought I had PPD but everyone says wait two weeks and then get help. A season happens a day at a time. I felt like I was the only one in the world suffering from this, but I know that’s not true. After the first 2 weeks, I was all a glow, basking in the joys of motherhood. I’ve got teenager and tweens on my plate now. Now, it’s not all horrible, so don’t get me wrong. By chance. She must be a real idiot.” Yeah… I was opening my mouth to say something else (that I’m sure my Christian soul would have regretted after my rationale returned) but I was beat to the punch by one of the little boys yelling “HEY! He helped make the baby, and an hour or three in the evening isn't enough when you do it the rest of the time! I connected with my daughter, did not stress as much and felt much much better. Then you have these rediculous hormones that just won't go away. This is an extreme hormone roller coaster we are dealing with. Sometimes you just have to put yourself first; it's not just good for you, it's good for everyone, and it does not make you a bad mother. But caring for him was so endlessly difficult, and caring for myself was impossible. I have Ativan to help relax me but other moms try Celexa, Zoloft and Xanax and they all seem to like them. And while there is usually merit in getting up before the kids to organize, arrange, and anticipate…in those early months, I agree with all my heart…dude, get some sleep. for years. Somehow I would end up on Instagram as I was trying to decide, wanting to feel connected to my network, and then my 10-minute window of free-time would be up—my hair would still be greasy, my stomach would still be grumbling, and I would have my baby back in my arms again. I totally agree. So glad to hear someone be truthful about this! I even asked a few of them why they never told me. had no way of showing appreciation! Do you have friends / family that can help with your little one to give you a break? It’s so important to know that these feelings are normal and that you are not alone. I finally did get help after the birth of my second baby. Although, I am determined to work on a morning routine this year. I think having two worked for me in the way that I was so busy I didn’t have time to feed into anxiety, so upon realizing this and realizing, yes, I can love two babies at once, I felt so free to be joyful. Yeah, I missed it, too…. I have tried to let my newly pregnant friends know it’s okay if this happens to them. And my first instinct when she was out was to hand her over back to the nurse and run back to the life I knew. But the letter and most of the comments resonate with me. where she shares stuff she either created herself or loved from others. But more people need to read letters like this to know that it is ok for those newborn days to suck…. Gone are the good ol’ days of racy movies (ha, ha!!). I have to be honest, that after the first couple of weeks of physical recovery, I really did enjoy a lot of the newborn phase. But I think that it is the latter. So when I am anxious I try to find some sort of relaxing thought and focus on it. I’m a first time mom with a 5 month old and this is exactly what I needed to hear. I wonder how it will feel this time, the third time around when (like with the first) my husband will be deployed but (unlike with the first or the second) we do not live near nor will all of us pack up and travel to be near family. I was SO overwhelmed. swaddle? I figured we had it all figured out and that i would get to enjoy the experience even more being where one is “supposed” to be when having a baby. I gave up, but not without the added guilt of failing. And nothing can prepare you for it. so true. ask for help. Oh my gosh- this was so me with all 3 of my kids! And I was terrified that I won’t make the cut. I hope someone who needs it reads this today. Fast forward 8 1/2 years. Check to make sure she was breathing every 30 seconds, that is a form of ppd as well. Your baby is a part of who you are not least of all chemically. Thanks for sharing your story. I know this is old but I’m really really hoping you respond bc this sounds like me. , Very well written! I love that you are not afraid to tell the truth. And we went on to have five more. Part of me wished she would die of SIDS so I would not have to be a mother but would not be my fault if she died. You see these magazines with smiling faces holding perfect little angles, turn the pages to read how these beautiful people are not only new mom’s but are getting there bodies back into shape while baking the perfect cupcake, really now! You wouldn’t be worried your words are doing irreparable harm. Anyway, thanks for the reminders, and know that it spoke to second time moms as well. My memories from those early days are very happy and melt my heart. My oldest is 10, my second is 5 and now a newborn.. I found out later—way later than I should have (meaning, two years later)—that I had postpartum depression. I still miss the movies Damien and I rent at home with newborn Celine sleeping or even 6 month old Celine sitting on my lap. I usually just feel like I made a mistake by thinking I was mature enough to handle this. I don’t know if I’ll love it or just merely try to survive it – thank you so much for sharing this. I wish I could talk to myself back then and tell me all of this, but at that moment I could only trust people when they said it would get better. “Good on ya”??) I should have demanded to do whatever I felt I should do and want to do. Why didn’t I feel “in love” with her already? Ha! I hope we bond soon! now, on the other hand, i am not wild about pregnancy and i don’t get the giddy feeling that many speak of even with the kicks… they kinda hurt. You are a great mom. It was so lonely and so tough. And I was a doula before I had kids! I was in awe of her. My little one screamed day and night! I’m so thankful for this post- I thought it was a terrible person for feeling this way. He's my husband and we made this family and you did too and you gotta be that team. (It was nearly 3 years before I even considered hubby as a potential date!!). Whoever you are, we understand and you are not alone. He’d rarely sleep at all during the day, and when he did, it was in short (15-45 minute) stretches. I know it’s not on purpose but it’s just I never thought my baby would come out looking angry! Having a newborn was always so difficult for me and I never really enjoyed it until they started smiling at me- or even better- hearing the beautiful baby giggle. When I was at the hospital with #3, I frequently took advantage of the nurses so that I could sleep. This action cannot be undone. I planned a natural unmedicated birth and ended up having to have a c-section. If you're bfing he can do a diaper change or two at night, even if he has to work! My experience has been similar. very. I wish I’d know about blogs. I moved in with my mom after my daughter was born. This is so helpful. We strive to provide you with a high quality community experience. All I feel after a 22 hour labor (six of which I were in the transition phase), is relief that it is over. Hi Tsh, The baby screams all the time and I just can't handle it. My sweet boy. I simply didn’t feel the need to romanticize childbirth, pregnancy or mommy-hood, and yet I cherish every bit of my blood, sweat and tears shed for the cause. I always semi-joke that in exchange for giving me multiples, God made them very easy to raise and care for, and the worst thing I can say about their infancy was my lack of sleep. but who better to help you than your own mum. I ended up at my doctors, and from there I got the help I needed. Also, I did have a connection with my son immediately. i am extremely tired all the time, as you said – getting up before the kids is virtually non-existent in my world, and sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have my body be my own again (been pregnant or nursing or both for the past 9 years straight with only a cumulative 5 months of not nursing once i had the 1st one)… but the excuse to slow down, to sit down and cuddle the softest, sweetest, most trusting person… well that is what i love and really focus on. I’ve tried to see the funny side of parenting so I don’t go completely insane. • Machinery Loans Still though, I fall into the love-a-newborn, baffled-by-toddlers set! Things are much easier now! That’s right, I am not in the supposed 99.99% of women who are over the moon about being pregnant. I feel love for my baby girl but the past 6 weeks have been the most miserable ever. I am usually doing this late at night while I am half asleep. Thank you, Tsh! Thanks for the reminder. the later your pregnancy the more drugs they can safely administer to you. My postpartum depression didn’t surface until around three months with both of my kids. I love your letter by the way. I was so very glad to no longer be pregnant. I’m a new mom to a pretty perfect 14 week old little girl. I remember looking at her in amazement, because she was just the kind of mother I knew I wanted to be. I just feel that you described me! My oldest is 30, and I was 16 when I had her (and I got married to her father). The guilt is wearing me down and he is only 2 weeks! That was when I was able to turn the corner and start *really* enjoying motherhood again. But, come to find out I had PPD. Functional loving is just as adequate. If its not this season, its another. The newborn days are terrifyingly difficult, whatever temperament your baby has. Yup – that would be my experience too as a new dad of a 5.5 week old. Yes, it was none of my business. I relate to all that you say. Love this. Now I love being at home with my daughters (ages 4 and 15 months), and, believe it or not, we are considering a third! Though these feelings are normal, try to remember not to be too hard on yourself. I just needed to hear this. Or maybe I took the baby for granted because we conceived so quickly and easily. (She didn’t sleep through the night consistently until 13 months and has begun waking at night again lately to use the potty. It isn’t easy, especially that first one. Thank you for this post. I know my girls are in great hands with Daddy but I always live in fear of what I may have missed/be missing. I had heard about ppd, but I thought I would be immune. Thank you SO MUCH for this letter – I’m saving it to reference as often as needed . It was so enjoyable to be out and let this tiny life experience the world and nature (I would usually grab a coffee at Starbucks and then plunk down under a tree). I also had a miscarriage following our first, and now have an 8-week-old along with our 2.5-year-old. If you feel a message or content violates these standards and would like to request its removal please submit the following information and our moderating team will respond shortly. I was trying to get pregnant and I was happy to see that second line appear. I didn’t have any postpartum depression post-babies, but it was still hard. Kids Are The Most Important Things In My Life. I had to call my husband to come back from work and take care of her and then I had to wait outside for him to return while she wailed away inside. The other thing about that year? I like that, thanks! This should be handed out to new moms as they leave the hospital. We did another military move when she was 6 weeks old. To me it looks like you're trying, and as new moms, that's all we can do, try. Have so much support at that time I expect to be honest more! 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